There is something we should understand. Yes, you might consider yourself weak and let someone walk all over you. You might not be very aware of your boundaries and you allowed them to be crossed. You might be overly respectful of authority and allowed yourself to be intimidated. Yes, you might find it hard to say no and let yourself be worked into the ground.
But we are talking about abuse here.
The abused’s disposition and the abuser’s actions are separate. Your disposition and actions, no matter how weak or provocative, never justifies you being abused. Never. You may provoke… either by your weakness or by your provocations or whatever… but it may never justify abuse.Rather predictably, as someone who didn't know much about boundaries, I fell prey to spiritual abuse during one phase of my life. The minister considered that I was too strong-minded or didn't let my husband be the head of our household, and all the problems in our relationship were squarely my fault. My response was to try to change, and try to be someone different. I became more and more the demure evangelical wife that was expected until one day my husband said, 'Who are you? I married someone who was spunky and vibrant and wild. I don't recognise you any more'. It took me a long time to recover from a number of really quite shocking events, as well as the continuous pressure to conform.
The thing is, there is a lot of power that can come with wearing a dog collar, and it should be handled with a great deal of care. Now that I wear one, I think I sometimes forget that my words can have more impact than they did before, hopefully mainly for good, but I must take heed from my own negative vicar experiences.
5 comments:
Whoever that "minister" is, he should be ashamed of himself. I have heard such stories too of priestly powergames where the 'Father knows best' thing becomes damaging. This happens at all ends of the church, whether the name 'Father' is used or not!
I am sorry that you have had experience of this, and as you generously note, it will furnish you more fully in your own ministry - but what a sh*te that man is. Makes me feel quite inclined to pugilism.
(I note with amusement, however, that my verifcation word to submit this comment is 'badarm' - feel like some badarming has been going on in the past here)
Thanks Cloakey - you're a good man.
Looking forward to seeing your meme
Spiritual abuse is a very real problem. I too have suffered it in the not too distant past and been seriously wounded. It makes me determined to speak out against it, despite the cost.
One way to protect oneself from future spiritual abuse is to view dog collars with healthy scepticism until those wearing them have earned your trust through their actions--not their position or collars.
Anita
Absolutely right on. It is the responsibility of the one in power (e.g., wearing the collar) to watch boundaries and not abuse. The damage done to people is enormous - emotionally, spiritually and physically - the victim is not at fault. The lack of awareness by clergy of this is often astounding. Of course some are predators but even in daily interactions.
I too have suffered 'spiritual abuse' from a clergy person - though in my case it was a woman who was the perpetrator. It was only when I found a very good spiritual director, who helped me deal with the problem in me which made me vulnerable to the abuse, and then pointed out that I was being made a scapegoat for the problems within the ministerial team, that I was able to come through it. As you say, Lesley, suffering abuse can make you aware of the problem, and sensitive to the impact your words and actions might have on others. But one reason why I've never applied for ordination (in spite of being asked to do so) is that I don't want to turn into the sort of clergy who do this sort of thing.(the other reason is that I feel called to lay ministry, not ordination)
The hierarchical set up of the church encourages this; as does the belief that some sorts of spirituality are superior to others. I can remember being told that the person talking (down) to me was 'further along the spiritual path' than I was. It is also possible to use the healing ministry as a form of spiritual abuse.
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